Not as I Will
by Twylise
Summary: A Darkangel Trilogy (by Meredith Ann Pierce) fic. Aeriel ponders on the outcome of the upcoming war with the help of a rather unexpected confidant.


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This can be set sometime between the end of the 2nd book and the start of the 3rd. Basically when everyone's hanging around in the desert, preparing for war. Around the same time span as 'The Land in the Sky'. ~Shamelessly plugs other Darkangel story~ 

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Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not, nor ever will, own the Darkangel Trilogy, Meredith Ann Pierce does. I am not receiving any monetary rewards for any fiction I am writing based on her work. I am just a fan, who really loves her characters… ~Pssst!~ Credit card details can be emailed to Shmis@hotm---- Just joking! Ehehehe…Like anyone would pay me for _anything_ I wrote. 

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Not as I Will

Nights in the desert had always been peaceful.

There was a certain comfort to be held, looking over the vast empty planes of sand. Knowing that what lay over the edge of one pale dune would be identical to what lay over the next. That predictability, was something that Aeriel now found lacking in the rest of her life. 

Life wasn't like the desert. And she had no clue what would come next. 

Desperate for answers, Aeriel had turned to everyone around her, hoping for some insight into what the following weeks would bring. Erin, Talb, Syllva, the Lons, Roshka, even Sabr had spoken to her of their predictions at length. Yet this brought her no comfort, as there seemed to be a million and one theories as to how the rest of this war would play out. 

So tonight, she had come to bring her fears to the stars. 

As a child, Aeriel had always been fearful of what the next day would bring. Constantly clumsy and bumbling, her mistakes always stirred her mistress's parents into a furious rage. Aeriel could not remember how many nights she had spent, weeping and cowering within the circle of dear Bomba's arms, while Eoduin had stroked her hair and babbled awkward words of comfort, reassuring her that she would not be sent away. 

Those nights, after Eoduin had tired of comforting her, and had retired to bed, Bomba would take her too the window and gently whisper the most comforting words of all. 

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"I **know **you will be able to stay…because the stars have told me so."

Aeriel had not then understood the meaning behind those words, it was only as she had grown that Bomba had told her a little of her own childhood. The old nurse had once been a priestess in training at temple for the ancients, where she had learned the divine chants and stargazing. That was until an unbelieving satrap had closed the temple and the nursemaid had been sent into slavery. 

Yet even without knowing of her nursemaid's prophetic talents, the young Aeriel had still found an amazing amount of weight behind her words. The _stars_ had told her that she would be able to stay by Eoduin's side. The _stars. _These were the heavenly bodies that ruled over the sky and saw all the happenings in the world below. These were the spirits of all those who had died and ascended to deep heaven. Surely the stars could show one what _truly _lay in their future.

Aeriel leaned back against the soft, warm sand that night, gazed into the vast, diamond-studded heavens above her…and saw nothing.

The only realization she came too as she pondered the endless sky above her was of how truly small and insignificant she must be. Far too small to ever be able to make much difference in their fight against the witch. 

The pale girl was so deep in her thoughts that she did not hear soft footsteps and the rustle of cloth in wind approaching her. And it was several long moments before she became aware of another's breathing echoing her own and another presence sitting beside her in the dark. 

Aeriel was not disturbed though. She knew it could only be her dear friend Erin, sneaking away from the camp to come and offer a listening ear and a supportive shoulder. 

With a smile she turned to her companion, "Eri…"

And the words died in her throat as her eyes locked with luminescent blue instead of deep ebony. 

Here was someone she had yet to ask of the war's outcome but as always Aeriel's words failed her around her husband. So she said nothing, and sat watching him for a moment, both shocked and secretly overjoyed at his closeness to her. 

Irrylath for his part seemed equally unable, or unwilling to make conversation. He sat, so excruciatingly close, yet unbearably distant, gazing at the same stars that Aeriel had been pondering mere moments ago. 

"What are you thinking?" He asked finally, his voice so soft, that for a moment Aeriel was unsure if he'd actually spoken or she'd just misheard the wind. 

"I-I don't know." She found herself murmuring weakly, grateful that her husband was still studying the stars, as she unable to meet those piercing eyes, even as he shied away from her own emerald gaze. "…How do you think this will all end?"

Her question startled him enough to tear his eyes away from the sky and onto her. Now she looked at the sand while she felt his gaze on her as strongly as anyone would feel a physical touch. He continued to study her as he answered the question.

"I don't know." He admitted, lean shoulders shrugging. "Ce sera sera."

His answer puzzled her. "Che zera zera?"

"Ce sera sera," He corrected, "It means 'what will be, will be. One cannot know the future and so must accept what life brings them gracefully."

As Aeriel listened to the man beside her she found her spirits slowly lifting. Not by his words, so much as by his _being_, his presence beside her, when so many times he had turned away. It gave her a sense of value, of importance that she had not felt in a while now, despite the fancy titles and awe she was starting to be greeted with. _Irrylath _thought she was important enough to wander away from the safety of camp for, to speak to when already almost everyone else had already gone to sleep. 

And _Irrylath was the same as her_! He was also unsure of what the future would bring and at the same time unafraid to admit his uncertainty.

"Ce sera sera…" She murmured softly.

"I-it's…" Long golden fingers traced awkward patterns in the sand. "It's also a song. Maybe I could teach it to you…if you wish." 

Pale cheeks flush with colour, Aeriel nodded, her body singing with joy but at the same time…

"It's rather sad isn't it?"

"What is?"

"What you said…Ce sera sera. If 'what will be, will be' then is everything set for us? Can one ever hope to alter one's own set path?"

The words that came in reply were hesitant, unsure. "Maybe…If they are strong enough."

As Aeriel was still pondering those words, Irrylath suddenly leaned towards her with such a fast, smooth grace that her eyes couldn't even follow his movements. She was just aware of his presence vanishing from her side, only to find him right in front of her, leaning in so close that for a moment she thought that he might kis…

His beautiful, golden scarred cheek moved past hers as he rested his lips against her ear.

The whispered words, _"Like you." _ Seemed to fill the empty night air for a moment. 

A long elegant hand glided upward to gingerly slide some platinum gold hair behind her ear. And then he was gone, white clothed back visible in the darkness for just a few moments before he strode behind the view of a lofty dune and vanished.

And again Aeriel was alone with the stars. 

~The End

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Blindfolded and alone I stand,

With unknown thresholds on each hand;

The darkness deepens as I grope,

Afraid to fear, afraid to hope;

Yet this one thing I learn to know

Each day more surely as I go,

That doors are opened, ways are made,

Burdens are lifted or are laid

By some great law, unseen and still,

Unfathomed purpose to fulfil,

"Not as I will."

--Helen Hunt Jackson

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End Notes: I'm so happy! A piece of fiction that I've actually finished! This is why one-shots rock so much! 

While I was writing this I didn't really see any meaning to it, it was just an excuse to have some more interaction between Irrylath and Aeriel that I found solely lacking in the series. I was pretty much writing everything on the spur of the moment so it may seem kind of disjointed…sorry about that. 

Anyway what I'm trying to say that as I was writing the last few lines I realized that this could be a foreshadowing to the end of the novel.

Because Aeriel's the _strong_ one who goes out and tries to bring change things and somehow gets mixed up in a chosen path that she wasn't prepared for. Irrylath walking away and leaving Aeriel 'alone with the stars' symbolizes how in the end he can't save her from her destiny or accompany her on Ravenna's quest. Since the stars are often used in fortune telling, it's appropriate for them to represent fate.

And as for the whole, Bomba's past life as a trainee priestess thing…I don't know where that came from. O_O This is what happens when you write too late at night. Oh well. Bomba always seemed like an interesting character (she was, after all, the closet thing Aeriel had to a parent) and deserves more of a back story than she received. 

C & C are very welcome J 


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